Learning to be me, again.

When you get married, everything changes. I was always the person saying that a piece of paper wasn't going to have that big of an impact. I argued with my elders that making it legal wouldn't change D or myself. It wouldn't be any different than it was before and in a lot of ways I was right. But in more ways than I care to admit, I was wrong.

When I was in college, I knew myself. I knew who I was and what I wanted and where I was going in life. I was headstrong party girl who was always up for anything. I was going to be a teacher and spend my summers by the pool with cocktail in hand with my girlfriends. I was going to touch students lives with my words and with hard work and dedication. I needed no one but myself and my friends and I could get through anything. I was fiercely independent and loyal to a fault. I would tell you to go fuck yourself if you disagreed with me and wouldn't think twice about it. I was wild and I did stupid things without thoughts to the consequences. That was my outward exterior.

My inward self was different. Quiet and curious. Studious and responsible. I was the type of student every teacher loved to have in class. I thirsted for knowledge and gobbled up all of the information given to me about my chosen major. I wanted nothing more than to be the best of the best and I would have settled for nothing less. I was a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen to those who mattered to me and people often came to me for advice.

I like to think I was a good person. Flawed but good. I still think I'm a fairly good person. More flawed than before but working every day to lessen the impact of my flaws on others.

Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game.

Sorry. I often think in song and if you're going to read this blog, it's just something you will have to deal with.

Something HAS changed within me. I'm not sure when exactly it happened. Perhaps it was during my engagement to DH. Or maybe shortly after our marriage. A lot of people will tell you that I changed for DH. This is not the case. I am not the type of person who will ever change for a man. It's just not in me to mold myself for someone else. DH would like nothing more than for me to be more flexible in my stances but I'm still that head strong girl. That hasn't changed. I still can't pinpoint why.

Actually, that's not the case. I do know why. I've evolved. I've grown up. I'm not that 18 year old girl anymore. I'm a grown ass woman with thoughts and opinions and needs and desires. I'm starting to realize that a lot of my change has come BECAUSE OF my marriage. Not FOR it. I now have the freedom to have those thoughts without a group mentality leading them. I'm allowed to have desires and I'm able to voice them more freely as I now have the life experience to back them up. I'm not a part of that close knit pack anymore like I was in college. The pack has broken apart and created seperate tribes and don't get me wrong, while I love them all dearly, we've all changed. None of us are the same anymore.

I still know myself. I'm still that same girl in a lot of aspects. Loyal, independent, studious, curious, responsible. Now I face the toughest challange of all. I get to learn how to be me with a partner. I get to learn how to attend to the needs of someone else. Someone that is fully capable of attending to their own needs and sometimes, I just don't feel like it. Relationships are full of give and take. He tries a new recipe of mine and I sit through one of his many reality TV shows on DVR. We take turns picking the movie on NETFLIX. You sacrifice and compromise and change and grown and learn.

I'm learning who I am now with my husband. Sometimes its difficult to leave who I was behind but I'm eager to meet who I will be. As a wife. As a partner. As a mother someday. I'm excited to meet me.