Family

Everyone has a different definition of family. Webster gives the ‘normal’ definition of family to us: a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not. Parents and children. I guess this is a basic way to define a family but we all know that things get more complicated than that due to marriages, divorce, remarriage, adoption, children out of wedlock and a variety of other situations. Family is what you make of it.

My family was far from typical growing up. I had my mother and my father and a stepfather and a stepmother and a bunch of half and step siblings. My parents created only me together and I have no memory of them ever being together. Yet growing up, I was pulled in several directions and I spent time with a father that I had very little memory of and a stepmother who seemed to hate me. I had a sister and two brothers that I learned about over summer breaks and didn’t talk to during the school years. It was enough to mess with anyone’s head. You get close to people and then you don’t see them for extended periods of time and this causes confusion. I was no different.

While I never felt unloved as a child, I never really had the same kind of family life as most of my peers. I never thought that it bothered me until recently looking back over my teenage years and seeing a pattern. When I was younger, I spent much of my time at the homes of my friends. I would go there for weeks at a time and come home only for a few days before I would head to another friends house. This suited me just fine as most of the time the parents of my friends were far more lenient with the house rules than my own parents. I credit my best friend's mother with giving me the freedom to become my own person in a way that didn’t lead me to rebel. However, I credit my own mother with giving me the real life tools to make smart decisions later in life. Without these two different child rearing styles coming to play in my upbringing, I believe I would have turned out to be a very different person.


As I got older, I made my own family. My family consisted of 3 people. E, J and myself. We were the best of friends. We finished each other’s sentences and could predict each others actions. In school we earned the nickname of ‘The Trouble Trio’ and we were inseparable. It was rare to see the three of us apart and even stranger to see one of us alone. We shared clothes, laughter, tears and anything else imaginable. We were together for that first big heart break, first jobs, family drama and everything in between. We were together for E’s mother’s kidney transplant and J’s mom’s brain surgery. We were together when my relationship with my father self-destructed and when my ill-advised much-to-young engagement failed miserably. These were the ladies I leaned on for support and my shoulders were wet with their tears as well.

In college our circle expanded. We began spending more time with B and in turn met his friend BK. Our circle had expanded before to include boyfriends and new friends but for some reason they had never quite stuck. Those people never made it in to the family. B was instantaneous and fit right in. BK was the surprise. He and I clicked immediately. We are the same person. BK is the male version of me in so many ways its unreal. He was a welcome addition to our family. The circle expanded and shrunk over my college years but it always came back to the five of us. Those people were my family.

Well college is over and my life is very different. The people that I use to call family have grown up as well and we are all growing apart. Gone are the days of snow days and board games. Gone are the late night parties and getting chased by Australians while barhopping. Gone are the 2am phone calls just because we knew the others were awake and probably as bored as we were. Gone are the weekly Grey’s Anatomy dates and coffee at the Waffle House. We are now faced with growing pains that only a family as close as ours can feel. The ladies have grown and two of us have married and started making our homes with our husbands. J has a two year old and another baby on the way. B is moving to New York to chase a life long dream of seeing his name in lights and BK has settled down with his partner and is learning and growing in love every day. I have purchased a house with my husband an hour away from the rest and while I was the first to set out on my own, B’s move will be the one that splits us apart.


Now there are fights and drama and hurtful words. It is easier to be angry with someone than it is to admit to yourself and to them that you miss them. It is easier to pick fights and make up excuses as to why you don’t see them and spend time with them. You’re mad and they have done something to provoke your anger. This is why the friendship is suffering. This is why things have fallen apart. It is easier to believe this than to believe your once impenetrable unbreakable family has grown apart. Not your family. Not the people that you knew. They would never let this happen. And yet the sad reality is that I haven’t seen J since E’s wedding two months ago. I haven’t seen E since her wedding two months ago but we talk almost every day. I had dinner with B last night and we talk at least once a week and I see BK every day as we have the pleasure of working together but we also had dinner Friday night and he’ll be joining me at the pool this afternoon.

Maybe friendship is just what you make of it. J and I were closer than anyone else for a very long time but our paths in life are different and our beliefs have always conflicted. No one can say who is right and who is wrong but there is undeniable evidence that shows how differently we chose to lead our lives. Lately I’ve been faced with the fact that our friendship is no longer what I’d like it to be and that this has happened due to our lives taking turns. I will always think of J as my sister. We have been through more in the last twenty years than some people deal with in a lifetime and we were together through it all. It’s hard but I’m learning to let go. My knuckles ache from grasping at what use to be and what we used to have. Things aren’t the same and they never will be again. It’s time to work on my new family, with my husband and eventual children. All the rest will just be icing on the cake. I’ve never been much for Webster’s definition but I appreciate the time I had with the family of my younger years. No matter how badly it hurts to let go.