My dreams are betraying me. I woke myself up early this morning yelling. Yelling at someone I care about deeply about something that upset me more than I originally realized. I know that my problem isn't actually with this person but with the actions of someone else that just so happen to involve this person. In my dream, I blew up. I lost my temper and I yelled and screamed and cried. I woke myself up to the harsh words and tears in my eyes. I'm a mess.

I don't want to have this conversation. I don't want to get into this because there is no way for me to express my feelings without looking like a complete jerk. That is why I've been avoiding it. It's why I haven't said anything and why I smash the hurt down like a meat tenderizor hoping that if I crush it small enough, I won't notice it is there. I'm still considering keeping it quiet but I know things are just going to double and triple until something does break loose in me and not in the dream world but in reality where the consequences of the discussion will be much more difficult to handle.

* On another note*

I'm heavily considering a large facebook cut or deactivating my account. I love keeping in contact with everyone but I'm starting to wonder if it is worth it to have to explain every status and to defend my word choices to people all the time. I know that people get concerned but sometimes a status is just a status and it's a snap shot of that exact moment. My exhaustion from this pregnancy and taking note of it in that moment isn't a cry for help. It doesn't have to be brought up to my husband. I get questions from him on a weekly basis because people ask him about things in my status. It's just a status and 95% of the time he doesn't know what I've written because he doesn't get on facebook. It doesn't matter. It's not life or death. It's just random thoughts. I'm tired of explaining myself and trying to justify. I might just start using filters and filtering what people can see what. I can't seem to decide.

I'm afraid I've started censoring myself here too. I know only a few select people read this blog but I don't ever want to start any drama and I tend not to think before I write. That's the entire purpose of a blog/journal though isn't it. To write how you feel without worrying about hurting feelings or things coming back at you. Hopefully if I ever write about anything that causes questions people feel free to ask me about things rather than drawing their own conclusions. I'm pretty much an open book if you ask. I just don't tend to volunteer my feelings.

It Happened

5 months of trying. The doctor gave us 6 months before we would start going the testing route. The 6 month my peroid is late. I'm NEVER late. I take 5 HPT's over the course of 7 days after my missed peroid.

NOT PREGNANT

The sticks laugh at me and I wonder what the heck is going on with my body. After speaking with a friend she suggests calling the doctor and scheduling a blood test. What the hell? I think to myself and make the call. I go in and they take my blood and basically make me feel ridiculous for wanting a blood test. I get a call a few hours later.

I am in fact expecting a child.

Did I mention that I am NEVER late? I knew something was going on but no one but Angie believed me.

So I'm having a baby. June 29th, 2011 is my estimated due date.
I am excited and nervous and happy and sad and all over the place 100% of the time. For a control freak, the hormonal mood swings are NOT easy to deal with. I feel like I should be locked up for my own safety.

I'm 12 weeks and 2 days today. My first trimester is almost over and I am very happy about that. Everyone tells me the second trimester is the easiest. We shall see.

None of this is happening how I 'planned'. In our family there is a saying

We plan, God Laughs.

It's very true. I feel like this is going to be very similar to the wedding. Beautiful outcome but stressing me out to the highest extent because it's just not me. I've become more vocal so far this time but people still arn't listening to me. That is an entirely different post all together. I hope that people respect my wishes and help when we need and back off when we don't. I don't want to have any reason for this time not to be special between Derrick and myself and sometimes too many cooks in the kitchen get really really overwhelming.