My dreams are betraying me. I woke myself up early this morning yelling. Yelling at someone I care about deeply about something that upset me more than I originally realized. I know that my problem isn't actually with this person but with the actions of someone else that just so happen to involve this person. In my dream, I blew up. I lost my temper and I yelled and screamed and cried. I woke myself up to the harsh words and tears in my eyes. I'm a mess.

I don't want to have this conversation. I don't want to get into this because there is no way for me to express my feelings without looking like a complete jerk. That is why I've been avoiding it. It's why I haven't said anything and why I smash the hurt down like a meat tenderizor hoping that if I crush it small enough, I won't notice it is there. I'm still considering keeping it quiet but I know things are just going to double and triple until something does break loose in me and not in the dream world but in reality where the consequences of the discussion will be much more difficult to handle.

* On another note*

I'm heavily considering a large facebook cut or deactivating my account. I love keeping in contact with everyone but I'm starting to wonder if it is worth it to have to explain every status and to defend my word choices to people all the time. I know that people get concerned but sometimes a status is just a status and it's a snap shot of that exact moment. My exhaustion from this pregnancy and taking note of it in that moment isn't a cry for help. It doesn't have to be brought up to my husband. I get questions from him on a weekly basis because people ask him about things in my status. It's just a status and 95% of the time he doesn't know what I've written because he doesn't get on facebook. It doesn't matter. It's not life or death. It's just random thoughts. I'm tired of explaining myself and trying to justify. I might just start using filters and filtering what people can see what. I can't seem to decide.

I'm afraid I've started censoring myself here too. I know only a few select people read this blog but I don't ever want to start any drama and I tend not to think before I write. That's the entire purpose of a blog/journal though isn't it. To write how you feel without worrying about hurting feelings or things coming back at you. Hopefully if I ever write about anything that causes questions people feel free to ask me about things rather than drawing their own conclusions. I'm pretty much an open book if you ask. I just don't tend to volunteer my feelings.